Rainmaker For Hire

Jul 24, 2012 View Comments by

For openers, I’m truly sorry to have dampened (pardon the pun) the festivities at our recent Touring Weekend in Maggie Valley. I take full responsibility for the rain that persisted for most of the event. And what, you ask, did I do to trigger some of the worst consecutive days of summer weather that the locals could remember? Simple…I attended the event with the intent to ride my motorcycle.

Take a look at my past track record and you’ll see what I mean. Last summer while on our Tennessee tour the weather was abysmal, with fleeting glimpses of the sun being the rare exception to seemingly endless rain. Please remember that the Tennessee tour came about because hurricane Irene scrapped our initial beach tour plans. Day one of our first tour this season was interrupted by an afternoon thunderstorm with eighty mile an hour tree-snapping wind gusts. At least the mountainous location of the Touring Weekend buffered what could have been storms of epic proportions had the event been held in a flatter area.

These three consecutive tour related weather events have convinced me that I have the uncanny, and perhaps unique, ability to spawn vast weather systems simply by planning a motorcycle tour and attempting to complete it. I’ve come to a partial acceptance of my “gift”, and have decided that the only rational thing to do is use it for the rare combination of enhancing myself financially while benefiting mankind at the same time.

I’m going to single handedly revive what is quite possibly the second oldest profession in history, that of a rainmaker. There will be no costume other that of my riding gear, and certainly no dancing; I’ll just hop on my bike and head for any location in dire need of rain. Cornfields withering in Iowa? I’ll schedule a “Breadbasket of the World” tour. Problem solved. Lake Mead water levels dipping dangerously low? A two-week tour of classic western movie set locations in Nevada should fill the tub.

Sharpening my skills in the next season or two is a priority, and I hope to refine my abilities to the point where I can offer some sort of guarantee for my work. Copious amounts of rainfall isn’t the problem, I’ve got that down to a tee. It’s the side effects that I’m worried about. For example, what would happen if I were providing service in an area close to a major fault line? Do my powers extend to the triggering of earthquakes? This is not something to trivialize, and it will certainly require an ironclad waiver of liability form.

I had initially thought my V-Strom might have something to do with the rainmaking phenomenon. Perhaps some clandestine government agency had installed a new cloud seeding device on my bike, and was monitoring my travels to determine its effectiveness. But that theory was trashed when I took the Goldwing to Tennessee. If, by chance, I stumble onto the source of my gift, the possibilities are endless, especially if it can be transferred to others.  International franchises come to mind, as well as all sorts of agreements ensuring that I’ll get a slice of the pie after the rains come.  Crop production up forty-percent? I’ll take my cut of the increased profits, if you please. Excuse me, but I need to sign off now and review some rainfall statistics before I turn in for the evening.

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