Why Cats Don’t Ride

Apr 19, 2012 View Comments by

Ok, all right, before you blog me to death – I do know there are “some cats” that ride motorcycles. I googled “Cats on motorcycles” and got a few, not many mind you, just a few. While “Dogs on motorcycles” turned up a ton of the quadrupeds! The reason is simple; dog’s want to ride, because you want them too, a dog will ride to make you happy or for any kind of foodstuff. Heck, for the right kind of bone he will paste wax your bike with his tongue, you just don’t want to know where it’s been.

Most cats, on the other hand, won’t ride if you want them too; making you happy is the last thing on their mind. Getting you all riled up, to them, is pure joy. Which means only a cat that you want not to ride, will ride. A dog will sit still for a cute little leather helmet, goggles, vest, and maybe even pants (the kind they wear, not the noise they make). Try this on a cat, and they will scratch your eyes out, and then eat them.

Most riding cats seem to have their claws, this I presume helps to hold on to a carpet on the tank, or one on the handlebars, or if so inclined onto the fleshy parts of your shoulder and neck. Now this doesn’t mean a de-clawed cat can’t ride, it just takes more planning, and duct tape. If tape is not available you can always put the tail under the gas cap. Failure to do so can result in the feline flinging off in a fast turn and doing cartwheels in the center of the road – remember they always land on their feet. Please note: this is not only cruel, but also against the law in 47 states, 2 counties and one village. It should also be noted that cats do not have 9 lives; it just seems that way.

Dog’s on the other hand always have their claws, as they never will be caught tearing your couch to shreds, or ripping open an artery on your arm. Should a dog fall off the bike, he thinks its fun, will lick you, wag his tail, and want to do it again. For a bone, he will kick start the bike for you.

No matter how great the ride has been the cat will show no appreciation, more likely than not, all you will get is a hairball in your boots, and your favorite jacket “marked,” this is what passes as “cat humor.”

Man’s best friend will curl up at your feet, after mixing you a dry martini, bringing you your slippers, and finding the remote (which the cat hid). After which he will gaze upon you with total love and unbridled respect. To make the moment more memorable, with just a little training (which cats don’t do) and a pint of pork gravy, the dog will eat the cat, the other white meat. Ride on, cat free.

Drawing by Wayne Peterson

 

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About the author

A Wisconsin farm boy, I learned how to ride a cow, before a horse and way before a motorcycle. I first started riding on my 16th birthday and I took my first real ride at my party: I pulled a wheelie and dug a trench in the lawn, which sent the bike in one direction and me in another. I was irrevocably hooked!